April is Yellow
by Eldr-Fire
Summary: Kakashi off-handedly threatens one of Gai's cherished beliefs. The game is color association, and the word is challenge. - Rated T for mild language and mild suggestive themes. NonBL.


For my sister, because this was inspired by her in two ways!

* * *

1. Invitation

Gai squinted up through the rain.

"A glorious day!" he proclaimed, thrusting his fist in the sky. Fat droplets splashed onto his knuckles and ran down his wrist. He stood up from his crouch and, arms akimbo, grinned proudly at the lake from where he stood on the log.

His grin did not falter as it swiveled to the rival seated beside him. "Would you not agree that there is nothing more youthful than the spring rain?"

Kakashi gave a noncommittal shrug.

Gai threw his head back and roared with laughter. "So demure!" he appreciated loudly. "You may pretend not to be informed of the youthful ways of the world, but I am not fooled by your feigned disinterest! In truth you are the one who most gluttonously sucks up the youth around you!"

Kakashi had his pants rolled up, and his pale legs dangled in the lake where he moved them through the water in slow motion. Two blue sandals were set neatly on the damp wood beside him. "Is that so?" he wondered.

Vehemently his rival nodded. "But of course," Gai said seriously. Frowning at the typically unresponsive Kakashi, he edged closer to him on the log.

Fear shot through Kakashi. "No, Gai," he pleaded hastily, scooting away. Their movements made the log begin to drift and rock. Gai stopped, and Kakashi sagged with relief.

His eyes wide, Gai watched Kakashi mutely as he slowly reached above the Copy Ninja's head. Back to ignoring Gai, Kakashi did not notice as the Azure Beast wrapped his fingers around a low-hanging branch. Nervous sweat mingled with the raindrops racing down his neck. Tension built and bubbled in the humid air, sensed only by Gai while Kakashi sat obliviously below.

Screwing his eyes shut, Gai tugged.

Kakashi let out an unhappy yelp as a flurry of raindrops pelted his mop of silver hair. In his shock he had started, and Gai had tried to hop out of the way, but their combined efforts sent the log careening out of control. With a satisfying splash, both men fell into the water.

Kakashi's sandals were the first to make an appearance after the waters had stilled, floating serenely on the surface. Drenched to the bone, their owner came next. He wrapped his arms possessively around the straying log and clambered on top of it. As he sat and shook his head like a wet dog, his rival emerged from the depths of the lake, breaking the surface with a peal of laughter.

"YOUTH!" Gai gurgled, spitting out a fountain of water that ended its arc with an unceremonious splatter on Kakashi's face. The recipient of said splash watched with an angry black eye as his rival maneuvered to float on his back. His bulbous nose protruded proudly from his profile, receiving a shower of raindrops that bounced off in a minute dance.

They were quiet for a time, listening to the sounds of the storm around them. The rain was steady. Kakashi twisted his hair above his head, attempting to wring it out like a towel. This only served to get him wetter.

Gai's eyes drifted closed, and a contented smile stretched lazily across his face. Despite being soaked and still floating in water, he looked as if he were reclining in a hammock on a summer's afternoon. "I love weather," he sighed.

Kakashi arched a skeptical brow. "Really."

"Yes…" Gai's voice was rich with philosophy: Kakashi readied himself for the onslaught of laborious prose. "Seasons. I love seasons, too. Spring is upon us, with its erosion of the wintry freeze—"

"I like winter," Kakashi cut in. Normally he tried his best to tune Gai out, but he could not sit through another lecture on spring.

"Do you!" Gai was far too interested in the admission for Kakashi's liking. He cracked open a beady black eye, glancing slyly at his rival. "January is the best month of all, what with its rebirth of the New Year."

Kakashi gave him an accusing squint through his wet lashes. "You only like January because that's your birthday."

Gai was indignant. "The fact that my birthday falls on the birth of the New Year is— I don't just—" The water around him was getting disturbed as he waved his arms, and he was starting to drift away from Kakashi and the log. "What I MEAN TO SAY is that the fact that I, a most youthful creature, was born on the dawn of a new year only serves to _enhance_— er, _reinforce _the rejuvenating power of the year's first holiday!"

He was quite flustered now. The red blush of his cheeks clashed with his green outfit, and he was currently angled forty-five degrees from Kakashi, his large feet tapping against Kakashi's log.

"Hey," Kakashi cautioned, poking Gai's foot so he drifted away.

"January is a good month," Gai reiterated, speaking to the sky. "If I had to give it a color, I'd choose red."

"Red?" Kakashi asked vaguely.

"YES! Red is one of the most youthful colors," Gai revealed. "It perfectly matches the spirit of New Year's. Fireworks light up the sky in a dazzling display of color and explosions and spirit!" He pointed to the gray clouds above, his finger tracing imaginary patterns in the gloom. "Red is the color of birth and celebration! Another year of peace and prosperity in our great village, full of hope and good luck, announces itself in the lights that spill across the sky."

Voice still noble with admiration, he added, "Not to mention for the anniversary of my birth, I receive crimson envelopes that bear good tidings!"

"Money," Kakashi filled in.

"Good tidings!" Gai worked his mouth graphically around the exclamation point, which erupted with a flood of spittle. His indignant roar had Kakashi wincing against the noise.

A sudden hush overcame Gai's hyperbolic features. "But then the flaming red of January softens into February's pink. With a tenderness appropriate for the grand subject _matter_," he enunciated precisely, "love begins to blossom slowly on this eve of spring! Young love has no match in its abundant glory of heart and body! What do you say of _that_, my great rival?"

Kakashi frowned at the green figure rotating slowly on the surface of the lake. "From January to February," he said dully, "white snow _softens _into gray slush."

A beat of silence passed, inviting Kakashi to continue. When he didn't, Gai's eyes widened in horror.

"I am gobsmacked!" he exclaimed, flapping his arms to speed his progress so that he could treat Kakashi with the full force of his shock. "Your lack of creativity and failure to see past the material is difficult to swallow!"

Kakashi was unperturbed by the accusation. He had honestly never given much thought to this business of color association. "When the snow melts it's green, though, so March is green…"

Gai's pained expression relaxed a little as he smiled in relief. "How jubilant that we agree on this matter," he said sincerely, "although I believe the green of March has more to do with the beginning of the ever-youthful, ever-eternal—"

"Spring," Kakashi finished, "and _ever-eternal_ is redundant."

"Naturally, my dear rival," said Gai with a winning smile. Somehow he made it seem like Gai was forgiving Kakashi for being in the wrong. "Anyway, March is undoubtedly verdant."

"Yeah…" The small amount of interest Kakashi had had in this conversation was waning fast. He cast his gaze aimlessly around the lake, but everything was washed monochromatic by the rain.

Gai was now perpendicular to the log, his bowl cut inches from the wood. "Yes, March is green," he began loftily, "but April—"

"Is blue. Most definitely and miserably blue."

A huge splash of water assaulted Kakashi as Gai thrashed suddenly in the water. Immediately Kakashi was on guard, slipping a kunai from his holster and giving the lake a precursory sweep. He sensed no enemies, but he stayed alert as he dove into the water.

The overcast sky left the lake dark, but Kakashi made out Gai's limbs, wracked with spasms. As he firmly grabbed hold of his arm, his mind raced with the possibilities. Had he been poisoned? Was it in the water? Where were the enemies?

Whoever it was, water was probably their element, and it was not a good idea for Kakashi to remain submerged. He pulled Gai up and out.

They broke the surface with a sputter, but Kakashi did not allow himself time to get his bearings— there was an enemy and Gai had been compromised. He heaved Gai onto the log, holding it in place as best he could while laying Gai out on it.

To his surprise, Gai shot up at once, no longer twitching. "_BLUE_?" he thundered.

Kakashi blinked.

… Oh.

Gai shook his head violently. Kakashi was splattered once again with a miniature shower of water. "My _dear _rival, you are mis_taken_," he said, aghast.

Severely irritated, Kakashi hoisted himself onto the log. "Blue because of the rain," he snapped.

Gai's thick slabs of eyebrow came together in confusion.

"April showers, Gai. April effing showers."

"AH!" Gai chuckled. "No, rival, while I cannot deny that it does tend to rain in April, I must contest casting the entire month in such a gloomy light because of that fact!" He wagged his finger at Kakashi. "Once again, you must look beyond the weather for inspiration!"

"Okay," Kakashi said. "Tell me what it is then."

Mysteriously, Gai clamped his mouth shut. Kakashi cocked a silver brow. The rain around them filled in the silence.

"Well?" he prompted.

Gai's beady black eyes shifted fearfully. His neck strained as he pulled his mouth into a tighter and tighter line.

Clinging to only a shred of patience, Kakashi ground out threateningly, "Tell me, Gai. Tell me what _you _think."

Another moment passed of that infuriating silence, and then all at once there was an explosion of noise.

"APRIL IS YELLOW AND YOU HAVE GIVEN ME NO CHOICE BUT TO ISSUE A _CHALLENGE_!"

Blue chakra crackled at his feet and he leapt gracefully off the log, landing delicately on the water. He began to hop furiously sideways, each step on the water's surface steadied with chakra.

"The score stands at eighty-one to eighty-one!" he called out. "We will discuss the terms of the challenge through means of Morse code tapped out by carrier pigeons bearing empty letters!"

With a final, watery hop, he landed on the shore and ran away.

* * *

Ominous thunder rolled overhead as the rain continued to pour. Unwisely, two men stood appraising each other on top of a tall tower. The spiraling edifice housed Konoha's bird collection, and the two men had just emerged from its windows.

There was a long minute of silence. Finally, Gai said, "I had been under the impression that pigeons knew Morse code."

Kakashi grimaced. "That would have been nice, wouldn't it?"

Gai hung his head shamefully, and the rain began washing out the pigeon excrement that coated their clothes in smelly polka dots.

Sighing, Kakashi looked balefully across the wet city. "Why don't you just, er, proclaim the terms of the challenge?"

"Gladly," Gai said wretchedly. He reared his head and screwed his eyes shut against the downpour as he addressed the heavens.

"My eternal rival and I will compile a panel of judges," he told them solemnly. "It is our most honorable and youthful duty to convince these judges that one of us is correct in his color-month association!" Some of his old enthusiasm was building, and a grin actually twitched at his mouth. "The methods of persuasion are left up to us, and we will each select one judge before agreeing on an impartial mediator. The first panel meeting, concerning the grave matter of January, will take place exactly one week from today, on April the seventh!"

Lightning struck a building near them. Kakashi gulped, glancing fearfully over his shoulder.

"Can you hurry it up?" he pleaded.

"Certainly!" Gai agreed, and he swallowed a great breath of air before spewing, "If-I-lose-I-shave-my-head-and-give-singing-lessons-at-the-Academy-but-first-of-course-I-have-to-convince-Iruka-  
that-I-am-safe-near-children-and-that-is-all-part-of-my-most-youthful-discipline!"

Chest heaving, he saluted Kakashi. "I see you in one week!" he shouted, flashing Kakashi one more toothy grin before darting away to safety. Kakashi happily followed suit, escaping from the dangerous height of the tower to land with a splash in the dim streets of the city.

* * *

Tenzou eyed his senpai apprehensively.

"Do you mind me asking why you're covered in, um… bird droppings?" he asked with a wince.

Kakashi's wet mask clung to the vague smile he offered. "In life, Tenzou, there are endless questions but only so many answers."

Sighing in exasperation, Tenzou said, "What do you want, senpai?"

Suddenly very serious, Kakashi frowned. He leaned against Tenzou's doorframe, arms crossed importantly. The rain continued to patter down on the road behind him.

"I need your help with something—"

"I am _not _giving you any more money!"

Kakashi shook his head with a small chuckle. "Oh Tenzou," he said. "It's not your money I'm after."

Tenzou pursed his lips as his eyebrows turned up in the middle. Why did he always have to go saying things like that…?

"What is it, then?"

Kakashi sighed, raking a hand through his mane of silver hair. He held it there, staving off his bangs so he could look meaningfully out on the street. "Gai and I—"

Tenzou tried to close the door, but Kakashi stepped into the narrowing crack. The wood digging into his chest must have been very uncomfortable, but Tenzou was unsympathetic. He had begun to notice a pattern: Whenever Kakashi felt particularly tormented by Gai, he would come to Tenzou, who had few defenses for the Copy Ninja's brand of torture. What's worse, this often entailed dragging Tenzou into their inane challenges, and there was nothing more humiliating.

"I'm not doing it!" he cried in a strained voice. "You can just go away!"

"But you don't have to do anything!" Kakashi pleaded, trying to edge out of the corner the door had wedged him into.

Tenzou held the door in place. "Liar," he breathed.

Kakashi huffed impatiently. "Okay," he conceded, "you do have to do _something_. But! All you have to do is sit at a table and pass judgment!"

Tenzou hesitated. That _was _one of his favorite things. He fancied himself quite the impartial judge.

"… Maybe," he said, steeling himself against the glint of hope that leapt in Kakashi's eye at the word. "But what am I judging, exactly? If it's a bikini contest, I will—"

Kakashi shook his head emphatically. "Nothing like that," he assured him, wincing against the continued pressure of the door. Tenzou pretended not to notice. "See, we were disagreeing about what color went with what month, and—"

"Good God," Tenzou muttered under his breath.

"— when we got to April, Gai just couldn't take it anymore, so he decided we needed to prove to a panel of judges which one of us is the most spot-on with our associations." He finished with an expectant smile.

Tenzou let go of the door. Kakashi escaped the tight space with a sigh of relief while Tenzou let his forehead thud dully against the wall.

"Fine," he said, defeated. "Do you worst."

Kakashi raised his eyebrows, giving Tenzou a _look_.

"So forward," he murmured. Before Tenzou could treat him with a vehement expletive, Kakashi had disappeared, the words "See you in a week" cut off by a poof of smoke.

* * *

When Kakashi said he'd see him in a week, he apparently meant it. Tenzou spent the next few days trying to track him down to no avail. He wanted to know what sort of challenge he should be preparing himself for (as he always strove to be thorough), but he could not find his superior anywhere. He hunted through alleyways and side streets, peered up every tree trunk he passed, but there was no sight of him.

Well, not quite. On Tuesday, he could have sworn he spotted Kakashi lurking in the art section of the library. Tenzou had hastened to investigate but found the aisle empty, occupied only by a quietly dissipating cloud of smoke that drifted through the musty shafts of sunlight.

With Thursday, however, came a scheduled training meeting for Kakashi's team. Even now that Kakashi was not hospitalized, Tenzou still stuck around the team he had grown quite attached to, joining them for training. Kakashi himself scheduled the training sessions, so there was no way he could skip out on this one. Tenzou had even suggested that this one be later in the afternoon, so Kakashi would have plenty of time to wake up and be on time.

So with the unknown challenge only two days away, Tenzou found himself sitting on a tree stump, surrounded by three impatient adolescents.

"I thought you said he'd be on time today," Naruto whined, kicking a stone moodily. "You said since it's the afternoon, he'd show up."

"That's what I thought…" Tenzou frowned at his toes. He was one of the people privy to Kakashi's Memorial Stone habit, but he knew that Kakashi visited it in the morning, not the afternoon. Surely he could make it here today?

Unless he was still standing at the Stone, lost in memories. Tenzou swallowed hard at the thought. Kakashi was a private man, but Tenzou knew he had a tendency to get carried away when reminiscing. He hated the idea that Kakashi was rooted to the ground in front of the obsidian rock, drowning himself in unpleasant memories.

With a sigh, Tenzou rose from the stump. "You guys start training," he instructed, dusting off his pants. "I'll go find Kakashi-senpai."

Sai turned and smiled at Naruto. "Excellent," he said. "I have been waiting for a rematch."

"I'm gonna kick your skinny butt, ugly!" Naruto growled, pushing back his sleeves. "You're gonna wish you could puke out your own guts by the time I'm done with you!"

Sai nodded seriously. "Your over-the-top threats are compensating for your small penis, I assume—"

Naruto's battle cry made Tenzou almost want to stay back and supervise, but he trusted Sakura to patch up her teammates (if she managed to stop laughing at Naruto long enough), and he was starting to get seriously worried about Kakashi.

So it was with a certain reluctance that Tenzou left his subordinates for one of the oldest training grounds in Konoha, number three. It was near these grounds that the Memorial Stone stood; Kakashi had deemed it an inappropriate place for their training now that Sakura and Naruto were capable of such destruction.

Tenzou reached the rusty metal gate, but opted to hop over the fence just because he could. Landing softly in the grass, he padded over to the familiar clearing.

He found it empty. The Stone only twinkled in the sunlight, its little flag hanging limp in the still afternoon air.

_That's odd_, Tenzou reflected. He had been sure that Kakashi would be here. Frowning, he cupped his hand in his chin and squinted up at the sunny sky. If he wasn't hanging about his usual haunt, where could he be?

Maybe he had simply slept in. Tenzou ruled it entirely plausible, not least because Kakashi always looked half-asleep. Of course that must be it. He had gotten himself all worked up for his senpai's vanishing act for nothing. As usual, Tenzou had overthought.

Sighing at himself, he gathered chakra in his feet and bounded away from the Memorial Stone. The spring air was crisp against his face as he leapt across rooftops, invigorated.

Kakashi's apartment building was as nondescript as they came, part of a simple jounin housing system. Tenzou landed softly on the orange roof before proceeding to walk down the dirty white walls. He counted windows under his breath as he went, finally arriving outside Kakashi's.

Tenzou considered going inside the building to knock on Kakashi's door like a proper visitor, but he bristled at the thought of the many times Kakashi had disturbed him with an annoying tap to the windowpane. It would do for Kakashi to get a taste of his own medicine.

He made a fist with his hand and rapped smartly on the window. It was cold against his knuckles.

Someone stirred inside. Satisfaction tugged Tenzou's frown into a satisfied smile, and he waited upside down over the window patiently. After a full minute, he heard a click of a lock as the bottom of the window was cracked open.

Keeping his feet rooted in place with chakra, he left his body hang out of the crouch he had been holding it in, bracing himself on either side of the window with chakra-enforced hands. The result was that his forehead protector bumped against the windowsill as he frowned through the crack in Kakashi's window.

Cold air rolled out from the narrow opening. An unamused black eye met Tenzou's own as Kakashi peeked through the crack.

"I'm sorry, we're closed," he said cheerily. His tone was in stark contrast with the angry crease of his eye and the frigid air from within his apartment. The juxtaposition was positively eerie.

"You were scheduled for training today," Tenzou said. His eyes were starting to water from the cold; what on earth was going on in Kakashi's apartment?

"Oh… that." Kakashi sighed, sticking his arm through the crack to poke Tenzou's nose.

"… Ow."

"Cute. But I'm very very busy and will be for the rest of the week."

The window slammed shut an inch from Tenzou's face.

Tenzou gritted his teeth in frustration. Blood was rushing to his head from the prolonged upside-down position, coloring it a thick shade of red. "Kakashi-senpai, you have a LOT of nerve!"

Kakashi's muffled voice answered him through the glass: "Saturday— training grounds three!"

* * *

A sheen of sweat glistened on Gai's skin as he continued his vigorous regimen of squats. He needed to be in peak condition for his upcoming challenge with Kakashi— only the best for his eternal rival!

He let out a sharp exhale of exertion. One thousand squats and counting! He was really on a roll. No one could match Gai's youthful determination.

A jounin walked past him, and Gai was momentarily confused: Why was there someone intruding upon his training? But then he remembered that he had, of course, designated the lobby of Jounin HQ for his most youthful exercise, that being the place where many could gather and be inspired by his boundless determination!

Gai grinned bracingly at the aforementioned jounin, who blanched and hurried off to a suddenly remembered appointment.

In his haste he bumped into a woman entering the room. "Watch it!" she shouted in her typical abrasive voice, brushing off her shoulder as she stepped into the lobby. Her large purple eyes immediately flew to Gai, who grinned at her in greeting.

"Hello, Anko!" he called out, panting from his continued squats against the wall. "What brings you to this fine establishment?"

Anko crossed the room against her better judgment. By now, she was not surprised to see Gai doing something like _that _in a place like this, but it didn't make it any more savory to watch his green Spandex suit strain against his shifting muscles.

Then again, maybe it was rather savory…

She smirked down at him. "What the hell is up?" she asked.

"Only that which is youthful and blue!" Gai answered winningly, flashing her a toothy grin. "I refer, of course, to the sky!"

Anko rolled her eyes at his laughter. "That's a great one," she said. "You should tell that one more often."

"I am afraid I do not know what you mean!" Gai smiled forgivingly at her. "But at any rate, dear Anko, I can only hope that you—"

He cut himself off with a gasp. "Sorry for interrupting," he began hastily, "but I have a question for you of utmost importance!"

Anko jabbed a thumb at her own chest. "Hit me with it!"

"Who," he said gravely, "do you like better— me or Kakashi?"

Suspicion darkened her expression. She glanced sneakily over either shoulder, scanning the room for any sign of the Copy Ninja. Was this some sort of trap? Were they tricking her into damning herself? Or was it…

Her eyes narrowed.

A challenge.

A smirk curled Anko's lip. "Neither," she said smugly, thinking she had beaten their game, but Gai only let out a cry of triumph and sprang to his feet. He pointed a finger wildly at Anko.

"Well then!" he announced. "You are the perfect candidate for the impartial judge on the panel!"

Anko's eye twitched. _Crap. _"What the hell are you babbling about, eh?" She fixed him with her most unamused glare.

Suddenly, his mood completely switched. He jutted out his left hip and placed a hand on it. Then he rolled his head back so that he was looking down at her from an angle, lips slightly parted and eyelashes fluttering suggestively. In a sultry voice, he asked, "Are you doing anything on Saturday?"

Anko mimicked him by planting her own hands on her hips, leaning forward at the waist to treat Gai with a nice view of her cleavage. She was about to whisper something particularly nasty about what he could go do with himself when she noticed something in her periphery vision.

An unwitting Tenzou had just made the mistake of walking into the room. Catching sight of Anko and Gai, he immediately started to backtrack, but Anko barked, "Not so fast, Woody!"

Halting his retreat, Tenzou wavered in the doorway for a moment before reluctantly joining them near the opposite wall.

Gai only spared him a glance before deciding to ignore him altogether in favor of his current quest. This time he seemed to be trying a different persuasive tactic, which involved squeezing one eye shut and bugging the other out. "What do you say? Being on a judging panel is a noble enterprise."

Before Anko could retort, Tenzou groaned. "Oh God, Anko, don't let yourself get involved," he warned her. "Kakashi dragged me into it— save yourself while you can."

Contrary to Tenzou's intentions, the knowledge that the all-suffering Tenzou was participating in the challenge presented the situation to Anko in an entirely different light. A chance to partake in the humiliation of one of Konoha's most easily tortured men? Sounded like an excellent way to spend her Saturday.

She clapped Gai on the back. "Hell yeah I'll do it!" Sticking her tongue out at Tenzou, she said, "See you on Saturday, Twiggy," and strutted out of the room.

* * *

A table had been set out in front of the three infamous stumps of training ground three. It was draped in a checkered red and white tablecloth, but Tenzou could only wish the gathering were as harmless as a picnic.

Instead, the table was manned by a crew of people Tenzou wished he didn't have to be associated with on a fine Saturday morning such as this one. At the far right end of the table sat Rock Lee, rigid with formality. His hands were tightly folded on the table before him, and he faced straight forward, his tiny mouth set in a fierce frown. To his left and in front of the middle stump was Anko, kicking back with her legs up on the table. Her fingers were laced behind her head, making her the picture of relaxation.

By contrast, Tenzou was sitting to her left as far away from her as possible, gritting his teeth and silently praying that she wouldn't come up with any more of her horrible, tacky nicknames—

"Hey stickboy," Anko drawled. A nerve in Tenzou's neck twitched. "Where's your girlfriend Hatake?"

Tenzou decided not to dignify that with a response. He regarded his fingernails with an expression of supreme indifference.

Meanwhile, Naruto and Sakura were straining under the weight of the large object Kakashi had enlisted their help to carry.

"Why can't you help us carry it?" Sakura grunted.

Kakashi smoothly ignored her. "We're here," he said, reclining against a tree in front of them. "You can set it down now."

Carefully, they lowered the large, wrapped object to the ground. Even when set down it towered over them by at least ten heads.

Naruto let out a gasp of relief. "That was COLD!"

While Naruto blew on his hands and Sakura rubbed hers together, Kakashi told them, "Be ready to take it out into the clearing when I give the signal."

"Great," Sakura grumbled. "What's the symb— I mean, signal?"

"Sweet cherry blossom," Kakashi deadpanned.

Sakura scowled, while Naruto wrinkled his nose. "Ew."

Kakashi rubbed the back of his neck. "Er… how about, 'their handsome teacher'?"

Both of his subordinates rolled their eyes. "Fine," Naruto said. "Just go so we can get it over with!"

Kakashi winked at him and gave a little wave before stepping out of the clearing.

"MY RIVAL OF THE ETERNAL SORT! MY HEART STRAINS AGAINST MY SCULPTED BOSOM!" Gai jumped forward, interlacing his fingers and bouncing them off his chest as a visual aid.

Kakashi waved a dismissive hand at the spectacle; he noticed Tenzou trying to make himself look as small as possible at the end of the judging table and waved. He smiled at the sour frown he received.

"Without further ado," Gai boomed, "we must commence the challenge. Since the score is tied — eighty-one to eighty-one! — the honor of _going first _must be decided by one of Kakashi's favorite pasttimes—"

Kakashi's eye lit up, hoping against hope that this new revelation meant Icha Icha would finally play a role in a challenge—

"— Rock! Paper! Scissors!"

"Ah." Disappointment sagged his shoulders as he began to roll up his sleeve.

Gai wagged his finger. "BUT!" Kakashi paused. Gai continued enthusiastically, "Since roshambo can be a challenge in and of itself, it would be less messy for all involved to have our individual judging representatives perform the solemn task!"

Kakashi turned to Tenzou, who blinked before giving a resigned sigh and rising to his feet. As Tenzou edged humbly out from the table, Lee had already skipped to the front of the panel, standing straight as a board in front of Anko's chair.

As the two judges got into position, Kakashi noticed that Tenzou looked inordinately smug for a game of rock-paper-scissors. Lee squeezed his eyes shut, and they raised their fists— but something started happening to Tenzou's. The skin was bubbling and darkening, curdling into something harder and more rigid. Kakashi realized after a moment what was happening; he was transforming his hand into wood.

So when Lee opened his eyes on "scissors!" he saw the wooden pair of shears Tenzou's hand had become and let out a shrill scream.

Gai leapt to Lee's side at once and tried to shush him. Kakashi glanced at Tenzou. Anko was hooting with laughter, but Tenzou looked crestfallen and embarrassed. Kakashi sidled over to him, patting him once on the shoulder. "I for one thought it was cool," he said. Tenzou smiled weakly back and took his seat.

Gai bounded forward again, emotion thickening his voice as he said, "Lee has recovered from his shock. Since Lee picked rock, which defeated Tenzou's _scissors_, I will go first!" He struck a pose that involved a gratuitous pelvic thrust. "Now, allow me to prepare my presentation!"

He hurried off to the bushes.

A few minutes of rustling later, a whistle issued forth from Gai's place of concealment. Then, a muffled disturbance. Kakashi strained his ears to hear the furious whispers, but he could glean no words. Finally the problem must have been settled, for the mutinous whispers were replaced by a steady beat: The clang of a cymbal followed by the clink of a musical triangle.

It was pleasant enough until Gai embellished it with the final sonorous touch. A loud warbling scraped against Kakashi's very core. Anko swore in disapproval and Tenzou covered his ears, wincing against the horrible noise. It swelled in a dramatic, off-tune undulation of cacophony, each crescendo a painful stab.

Instead of intimidating Kakashi, as Gai probably hoped, the racket only emboldened Kakashi to win this challenge, if only to spare poor Academy children the horror of taking singing lessons from this man.

The bushes parted, and Gai stepped out. The first thing Kakashi noticed was his tongue, contorting as the inhuman wail continued to flee from his mouth.

Then he noticed the costume.

A large, yawning dragon mouth framed his face, the felt teeth feathering his cheeks in a jagged pattern. The dragon's head was red, its eyes cartoonishly oversized and angry. Red Spandex clung two sizes too tightly to Gai's defined muscles, leaving little to the imagination as he took lumbered steps in his ceremonial dance. Golden sandals twisted around his calves, the final knots tied into bows behind his knees, and the whole ensemble was topped off with a glittering golden vest.

The cymbal and triangle beat lost whatever facsimile of enthusiasm it had possessed; Kakashi surmised that Neji and Tenten had been roped into this contest. He mentally scolded Gai before remembering that he too had enlisted the assistance of his two young wards.

Regardless of the reluctance of his subordinates to play their part, Gai kept up his passionate dance, pirouetting and shuffling in his poorly constructed costume. "Youth to the heavens!" he chanted vaguely, shaking his fists towards the sky. "The birth of the new year is heralded by a mighty dragon!"

Anko rammed her fist on the table. "Next!"

Caught up in his meaningful movements, Gai did not hear her. Grinding her teeth together, she reiterated, "I said get _out _of here, ugly!"

Grinning like a madman, Gai gave his toe (painted, Kakashi noticed, with red polish) one final tap on the ground before twisting his body into a ridiculous bow. He bent so low that the dragon head fell forward, landing with an unceremonious crumple onto the ground.

Undeterred, Gai scooped it up hastily. "That was my presentation!" he announced winningly. "In case you couldn't tell, I was dressed as a dragon because—"

"We all know," Tenzou said weakly. He turned to Kakashi, apprehension draining the blood from his face as he regarded the other man warily. "You're next, senpai…"

Kakashi smiled mysteriously. Hands slipped into his pockets with an air of nonchalance, he turned to face the judging panel. He was treated with a wide spectrum of expressions that ranged from reverence (Lee) to disgust (Anko) and fear (Tenzou).

"Hi," he started lamely. He wasn't the best at presentations. "Well, Gai just tried to prove to you that January is red." The subdued sound of a palm smacking the forehead punctuated his statement as Gai realized he had forgotten to mention that. "I can tell by your traumatized expressions that he didn't convince you. Thankfully, I'm here to present the alternative… And my wonderful students agreed to help their handsome sensei prove to you that January is _white_."

An expectant pause hung low in the air. Kakashi blinked and cleared his throat. "Their, er, _handsome sensei_ is about to prove to you that—"

"We heard you the first time," Anko blurted.

Kakashi shifted his weight uncomfortably from foot to foot. "Er…"

A loud expletive cut him off, followed by more hasty movements from the bushes. Some sticky moments of silence passed before his students emerged, suffering under the weight of his cloaked masterpiece.

They set it down as soon as they could, sighing with relief as it hit the ground. "Done!" Sakura said, and they exchanged high-fives before self-consciously edging away from the scene.

They were ignored by the assembled adults and Lee, who were all eyeing the new arrival with curiosity. Kakashi allowed them an uncomfortably long amount of time to appraise it. Finally, Gai could no longer handle the suspense and burst out, "Unveil it!"

"Okay." Kakashi walked over to the large object, which stood several heads taller than he and was three times as wide. A nondescript tarp shielded it from view. With an artful flourish, he whipped the covering off and revealed his masterpiece.

A chorus of gasps greeted the sight. Towering over them was an ice sculpture of dynamic proportions. Its frosty curves were carved with clear precision, creating a voluptuous work of art. Dripping stalagmites rooted down the birds that circled the central figure, which was itself in a pose of questionable purity, blowing a kiss at the viewer.

"It's… a woman!" Gai said, in case no one else had noticed her generous breasts and naked body.

"A kunoichi," Kakashi corrected. "See the headband around her—"

Anko broke out into raucous laughter. "Nice one, Hatake! I never knew you were such an _artist_!"

Kakashi breathed a private sigh of relief; when he had found out that the third judge was a woman, he had feared she would not be amused by the sculpture, but Anko seemed to appreciate it more than any of the judges.

Tenzou was looking away when Kakashi tried to catch his eye. He liked to pretend he was offended by the sight of a naked woman.

Turning to Lee, Kakashi was surprised to see that his face was screwed up in conflict. "What's the problem, Lee?" he asked innocently, avoiding Gai's glare.

Lee whimpered. "I… I am torn," he confessed. "Gai-sensei's performance was so transcendental and magical, but your sculpture's subject is so youthful in her, um…"

"Nudity?" Kakashi supplied, but Gai had had enough.

"Enough!" He jumped in between Lee and Kakashi. "Judges, please pick! Have you been convinced that January is _red_" — he flashed a grin — "or white?"

He skipped over to stand beside Kakashi, arms proudly akimbo as he beamed at the judges… conveniently blocking the breasts of Kakashi's sculpture from their view.

No matter. Kakashi was confident, and he kept his features relaxed and indifferent as they awaited the judges' appraisal.

Birds chirped in the interim, enjoying the spring afternoon oblivious to the matters of great import transpiring below. Finally, Anko spoke.

"White," she answered.

"Red," said Tenzou. Kakashi resisted the urge to stick his tongue out at him.

All eyes turned to Lee, who paled under the pressure. "Um, I, uh, um…"

"_Um_ is not a color, Lee!" Gai boomed threateningly through his grimace.

"Yessir!" Lee's wide black eyes darted from the discarded dragon mask, snout down in the dirt, to Kakashi's gleaming sculpture.

He squeezed his eyes shut as if preparing for an impact. "I must be an impartial judge!" he said breathlessly. "For this reason I choose… _white_." With a choked sob he ducked beneath the table.

A muscle in Gai's face twitched dangerously. "Ha ha ha!" he laughed humorlessly. His eyes were wide and strained, his tiny black pupils trembling in the sea of bloodshot white. "Ah ha ha ha ha ha!"

No one else was laughing.

"I guess you have won this time!" Gai said, his face still twisted in that manic grin. "Great job!"

An insincere Gai was the scariest kind. Kakashi nodded once, nervously, before saluting the group at large. "Gotta go," he said. "See you guys next weekend—"

"Yes!" Gai thundered, cutting him off. "Yes, next weekend we shall be discussing _February_, and I think there is no question that all shall be _gobsmacked _by my innovative performance!" A mirthless devil of a laugh tore from his throat before he ripped the golden vest from his torso and took to the trees.


End file.
